When you grow up

When you grow up, you are taught how to perceive the world and how to perceive yourself. You are taught to trust or mistrust yourself. And so you keep growing and then there is a moment as a young adult, when you suddenly realize that all you have learned, when you were younger, is not necessarily true. And your whole world (view) starts to shatter. It is an opportunity, and at the same time sometimes you will want to crawl back into bed and just make the pain go away. You will want to try to deny that what you always thought to be true. Is not that valid anymore. It is hard to peel off that old and so well-known skin, because after all, it still seems quite comfortable. It is you. But you know that it still itches and you realize, that there is no way back, that you will have to unpeel and start to grow in new and different ways. You know that these ways will be better, but also, it hurts. It hurts so much. And it is exhausting. You will want to quit. You will want to just accept that you are who you are and you should maybe just accept who you are. And there will be days when you feel shitty, and it is not your fault. It is nobody‘s fault because that‘s how the world works. It is not good nor bad, nor black or white. It is much more complex and we just cannot see because our vision is so blurry from all the societal fog. But you know what, it can change, you can change, but what you need is patience, trust and care for yourself. Accept your feelings and embrace the mornings with as much optimism as the evenings. Don‘t waste your life pretending to not hear what the world has to offer to you. Listen carefully to how you feel and embrace the beauty and pain within you. And ignore how others want to make you feel and think.

These woods are talking

These woods are talking,
but of course you cannot hear,
because you are too busy
following the loud babbling of the crowds.

These woods,
they have something so meaningful to say,
to share.
They know where you have been,
where you come from;
they know where you want to go
and they can even tell you how,
if you just listened.

Memories

Weeks have past, life has changed. Distractions. I thought I could look back and smile. I thought I could find you in the wind caressing my skin. Memories still hurt. Nothing was the same and it is still not. It will never be. Now that you are gone. The clocks have stopped ticking. I realize. And forever will they remain silent. Without beautiful souls like yours, time has lost its meaning.

Entschuldigung

Und plötzlich bemerkte ich,
dass der Herbst sich langsam angeschlichen hatte.
Gestern noch schienen die Sonnenstrahlen
mich so herzlich zu umarmen,
doch das Blatt hat sich gewendet.
Die richtigen Leute,
das richtige Leben,
was ist “richtig”?
Emotionen,
ein heißer Kochtopf.
Wer war ich noch einmal?
Wer bin ich und wer möchte ich sein?
Es ist bunt. Das Laub. Die Bäume.
Die Stimmung.
Entschuldigung, sagte ich,
aber wofür?
Dass ich lebe?
Dass ich so bin, wie ich bin?
Ich sehe Blätter fallen.
Ihre Zeit ist gekommen. Aber trotz des Falles,
so begeben sie sich nur auf eine neue Reise,
erfüllen einen neuen Sinn.
Die Sonne hat sich nun gegen die Wolken behauptet.
Sie scheint. Sie scheint als ob sie mir sagen will,
dass es Zeit ist aufzustehen.
Dass es Zeit ist die Rolle zu wechseln,
vom Zuschauer im Verborgenen,
nach draußen in die Natur,
dorthin wo alles angefangen hat,
ganz ohne Entschuldigungen.

Grandpa and grandma

I smell it.
Especially now,
that I sit here
and become aware of my presence.
It is a sweet smell,
humid,
it is rain.
Rarely have I smelled something more intense,
and beautiful.
Rain drops falling.
Manny of them.
Lights are creating a soft tickle on my skin,
the room looks cozy.
Slow music is playing,
the song reflects the moment I am in.
Right now.
I just sit.
My back hurts.
It has been hurting for days.
Stressed. Tense.
But I am so happy.
Content.
Present.
I am present.
Because I love
everything around me.
The green. The nature. The trees in front of my window.
The weather. Sunny. And then sad and hopeless.
The same way the world is sometimes.
People are so friendly.
So much possibility lies ahead of us.
Surrounded by so much creativity.
After such a long search. Such a long hunt.
I end up not having what I always wanted so dearly.
And yet, I sit here with pure joy.
I wasn’t ready. And maybe I am not still.
But I appreciate it now, that journey.
I feel my old self, and I am glad I made it, to the other side.
What hurts most, is that you are missing.
Grandpa, grandma. I wish I could tell you about all that.
I miss you so. No day passes where I don’t think about you.
You are not dead. You showed me love and I will never forget.

The stranger

When you are new in a place, nothing you know applies anymore. You are an infant, having to learn everything once again. Unknown places, strangers observing your clumsy movements, you may feel lonely … And then, after some time, somehow you become one of them. You have figured things out and have now made yourself a new home. And that’s what life is all about. It’s about conquering your fears, every day, one after another, patiently, knowing that eventually everything will be fine.

To give

We ask. We want. We demand. To be of importance. To be
heard. To be recognized. To matter, to someone. So many things
that we want, while we should ask instead: what is it, that we
can give?

About strength

What is strength,
I always wondered.
Never giving up, he said.
Never giving in, she said.

Growing up
we do not have a choice.
We are born the way we are
and yet all too often,
we are punished for just that.

So in fact,
the only choice we have
is to make use of the only thing
that’s truly ours,
our mind,
our soul.

So instead of letting them put on even bigger chains,
let’s start to pretend
that none of these are real.
How do you break them?
With strength and force,
someone would say.
Exactly.

Do you know what strength is?
It is maybe the least physical thing there is.
So use it,
use yours
to unchain yourself
and finally start to fly.

A lifetime

I don’t know! – she shouts.
He looks at her.
She stares back.
Silence.
A drop of sweat falls to the ground.
The hair on her neck starts to stand up.
Still. They glance at each other.
Nobody moves.
Her finger, she lifts it
and touches his hand.
He shrinks back for a second,
but then he cannot resist.
Seventy years of life have they shared,
and they just cannot stay mad at each other for long.