Most of my life
I spent wondering
why I wasn’t and couldn’t be like everybody else.
I suffered and doubted myself,
where the truth was,
that there is no such thing
as “everybody else”.
Most of my life
The way she sat there. The look in her eyes, the gentle smile on her lips. There was something about her. Just by sitting there, by looking me directly in the eyes, I felt that time and logic stopped, that my complete rational being just blended with my surrounding, with our surrounding. Our souls merged – compassion made my heart go wild. No distractions. No denial. Just two human beings feeling each others pain, and healing it just by being there. It was magical. I saw myself in her and it changed everything.
My favorite concert? It’s the one that mother earth is playing from time to time. What an experience to be outside while all around dark clouds are hurrying by and lightening is painting stunning patterns onto the sky. You can smell the storm, you can feel it on your skin, the rain and the wind, and you can see and hear it. Every time, again and again, it is extraordinary. This power is nothing that humankind should mess with. It’s a beautiful lesson.
And so she stopped searching and craving for love, but instead became love herself.
She became the berry in your glass of water and the mint in your cocktail. She decided to melt the ice herself instead of waiting for someone to melt it for her. And after that break of transformation the sun had continued to shine for her, but this time from within.
So I sat down with her,
Feeling her terrible pain immediately,
I didn’t have to look into her eyes to know that she had seen the worst,
Not necessarily out there in the world,
But within her own self.
The mind can torture us more than we may be able to imagine.
It’s not a choice, it just happens.
But we can fight it.
We can end our own horror by opening ourselves up,
By sharing our deepest secrets and
Letting others in.
Yes, we will be vulnerable,
But also will we be free.
I started talking to her after a few minutes of silence.
She had been uncomfortable but it was part of the process.
We had a long way to go and I knew,
I felt it in her presence,
That she was strong and would be able to withstand the winds and storms
That were trying to bring her down.
She knew these storms were made up,
But also had she developed such a strong imagination,
That they had seemed more real than me sitting in front of her,
Alive and breathing,
in flesh and blood.
She knew why she was here.
It had been her decision.
And she was ready to fight
She was ready to kill the demons that prevented her from living.
And then she had made a decision,
just for herself,
not trying to please anyone,
not trying to impress,
just being her true self this time.
It had been easy,
It had felt right.
And for the first time
she felt overwhelmingly great,
greater than ever before,
ready to fly,
to take off,
to finally make her life as unique
as she has always been.
And she would never look back.
[…] We dance, it’s great, it’s like there is nothing wrong with this world,
no pain within and between us. Just joy,
and love, and kisses. It’s addictive.
We go home, make love, love, love.
We fall asleep, it must be 5 am already, but then again
who cares about the time.
Here I sit,
At the foot of Mount Kenya.
Smell the sticky rainy air.
The blue sky,
The fluffy clouds,
And the birds flying by,
And I realize
In this magic hour,
There is no meaning to life
Than life itself.
No matter how far you go,
How high you climb up on that mountain,
How deep you dive into this pool of opportunities, of possibilities,
What remains is only you,
And the differences you have made,
The laughs you have had,
The smiles you have caused,
The compassion you have shown,
The life you have truly and actually lived.
“Are u happy?”, she asks.
“Yes I am”, she replies.
“What are you thinking about?”
She looks at her, one can see her thinking.
She says, “nothing, I am thinking of nothing.”
They both look at each other.
They know that there are no more words needed.
It’s perfect, this moment.
The absence of thoughts.
It’s just perfect.
They have arrived.
After all these years.
They have arrived and they know that the journey is just beginning.
I wish to be free
from all the daemons in my head,
from all the doubts and fears
that dominate my mind.
I wish to be brave and strong
to create a life full of color and joy,
for the people I love
in distance and close by.
I wish for a time
where we will all be free from those false ideas
about what makes life worth living,
where we look beyond our own horizons,
where we treat each other without judgement, struggle or pain.
I wish for a time
where we rather detect each other’s potentials,
where we collaborate as if we were all human,
where companionship comes before the ego,
where we finally let nature be.
One by one, little by little,
can we start today?
Or maybe I am just dreaming.