Neujahr

Wenn wir ganz leise sind, und allein, dann können wir plötzlich die Welt hören, in jedem Detail und mit jedem Makel – die höchste Form der Schönheit. Die ferne Weite hat es mir besonders angetan, sowie das atemberaubende Farbspiel am Abendhimmel, kurz bevor die Sonne “Gute Nacht” sagt. Und so wie ein Jahr am 31. des Dezembermonats das letzte Mal die Sonne sieht, so verlassen uns auch manchmal geliebte Menschen, die dann aber genau wie vergangene Jahre nicht einfach verschwinden, sondern nur ihre Form verändern.

Und manchmal, wenn wir uns einsam und allein fühlen, selbst unter Freunden, und denken, dass uns niemand versteht, so ist das doch nur ein kurzer Moment von tiefer Traurigkeit, der aber wie ein schöner Sonnenuntergang auch vorübergeht und nur eine Widerspiegelung unserer Menschlichkeit ist.

Und so lasst uns menschlich sein, traurig, einsam, zusammen und doch oft überglücklich, denn wir atmen und wir können uns trotz der Schwere der Welt an einem wunderschönen kalten Neujahrstag erfreuen. Wir werden nicht aufgeben nach Schönheit und Ehrlichkeit zu suchen. Und so lässt sich immer ein wegweisender heller Stern am dunklen Nachthimmel finden.

Imperfection

Nobody has “it all figured out”. It’s a man-made illusion to keep us going. If the journey is the goal, then having it all figured out can’t be part of it. It just doesn’t exist. There will always be error and that’s why the beauty lies in the imperfect. The authentic. Wabi-sabi.

Sensations

On the lookout for sensation
I am stopping
To rest just here.
I will sit and observe,
Will see people chase their dreams
That they will never reach.
Up to our necks in false expectations
Haunted by fear and shame
Are we all living behind transparent walls
Never actually touching what’s real.
Can I follow you?
Will you follow me?
I get up,
And I move on
Hiding behind the invisible.
And the clock keeps ticking.

When you grow up

When you grow up, you are taught how to perceive the world and how to perceive yourself. You are taught to trust or mistrust yourself. And so you keep growing and then there is a moment as a young adult, when you suddenly realize that all you have learned, when you were younger, is not necessarily true. And your whole world (view) starts to shatter. It is an opportunity, and at the same time sometimes you will want to crawl back into bed and just make the pain go away. You will want to try to deny that what you always thought to be true. Is not that valid anymore. It is hard to peel off that old and so well-known skin, because after all, it still seems quite comfortable. It is you. But you know that it still itches and you realize, that there is no way back, that you will have to unpeel and start to grow in new and different ways. You know that these ways will be better, but also, it hurts. It hurts so much. And it is exhausting. You will want to quit. You will want to just accept that you are who you are and you should maybe just accept who you are. And there will be days when you feel shitty, and it is not your fault. It is nobody‘s fault because that‘s how the world works. It is not good nor bad, nor black or white. It is much more complex and we just cannot see because our vision is so blurry from all the societal fog. But you know what, it can change, you can change, but what you need is patience, trust and care for yourself. Accept your feelings and embrace the mornings with as much optimism as the evenings. Don‘t waste your life pretending to not hear what the world has to offer to you. Listen carefully to how you feel and embrace the beauty and pain within you. And ignore how others want to make you feel and think.

These woods are talking

These woods are talking,
but of course you cannot hear,
because you are too busy
following the loud babbling of the crowds.

These woods,
they have something so meaningful to say,
to share.
They know where you have been,
where you come from;
they know where you want to go
and they can even tell you how,
if you just listened.

Memories

Weeks have past, life has changed. Distractions. I thought I could look back and smile. I thought I could find you in the wind caressing my skin. Memories still hurt. Nothing was the same and it is still not. It will never be. Now that you are gone. The clocks have stopped ticking. I realize. And forever will they remain silent. Without beautiful souls like yours, time has lost its meaning.

Entschuldigung

Und plötzlich bemerkte ich,
dass der Herbst sich langsam angeschlichen hatte.
Gestern noch schienen die Sonnenstrahlen
mich so herzlich zu umarmen,
doch das Blatt hat sich gewendet.
Die richtigen Leute,
das richtige Leben,
was ist “richtig”?
Emotionen,
ein heißer Kochtopf.
Wer war ich noch einmal?
Wer bin ich und wer möchte ich sein?
Es ist bunt. Das Laub. Die Bäume.
Die Stimmung.
Entschuldigung, sagte ich,
aber wofür?
Dass ich lebe?
Dass ich so bin, wie ich bin?
Ich sehe Blätter fallen.
Ihre Zeit ist gekommen. Aber trotz des Falles,
so begeben sie sich nur auf eine neue Reise,
erfüllen einen neuen Sinn.
Die Sonne hat sich nun gegen die Wolken behauptet.
Sie scheint. Sie scheint als ob sie mir sagen will,
dass es Zeit ist aufzustehen.
Dass es Zeit ist die Rolle zu wechseln,
vom Zuschauer im Verborgenen,
nach draußen in die Natur,
dorthin wo alles angefangen hat,
ganz ohne Entschuldigungen.

Grandpa and grandma

I smell it.
Especially now,
that I sit here
and become aware of my presence.
It is a sweet smell,
humid,
it is rain.
Rarely have I smelled something more intense,
and beautiful.
Rain drops falling.
Manny of them.
Lights are creating a soft tickle on my skin,
the room looks cozy.
Slow music is playing,
the song reflects the moment I am in.
Right now.
I just sit.
My back hurts.
It has been hurting for days.
Stressed. Tense.
But I am so happy.
Content.
Present.
I am present.
Because I love
everything around me.
The green. The nature. The trees in front of my window.
The weather. Sunny. And then sad and hopeless.
The same way the world is sometimes.
People are so friendly.
So much possibility lies ahead of us.
Surrounded by so much creativity.
After such a long search. Such a long hunt.
I end up not having what I always wanted so dearly.
And yet, I sit here with pure joy.
I wasn’t ready. And maybe I am not still.
But I appreciate it now, that journey.
I feel my old self, and I am glad I made it, to the other side.
What hurts most, is that you are missing.
Grandpa, grandma. I wish I could tell you about all that.
I miss you so. No day passes where I don’t think about you.
You are not dead. You showed me love and I will never forget.

The stranger

When you are new in a place, nothing you know applies anymore. You are an infant, having to learn everything once again. Unknown places, strangers observing your clumsy movements, you may feel lonely … And then, after some time, somehow you become one of them. You have figured things out and have now made yourself a new home. And that’s what life is all about. It’s about conquering your fears, every day, one after another, patiently, knowing that eventually everything will be fine.