I want to be so much more than this.
I want to make this one life mine, want to
expand into all kinds of directions.
I want to see you in me, want to feel more
you and me, want to forget about what I learned
when I was just so young.
I want to dance, want to laugh and paint and move and spill these glasses of wine that unleash this so deeply wild side in me.
I want to live;
that‘s all I ever really wanted.
Fear. I am not afraid
of anything but you and what
you represent to me.
To fear you means to abandon
me for the sake of others. It
means to clip my wings so they
can be attached to somebody else.
And as much as I enjoy being helpful
and supportive, it does cause me to slowly
die inside if boundaries remain unseen.
Afraid to live, afraid to die—a vicious cycle
that will never end
unless I attach those wings back onto myself.
The way she sat there. The look in her eyes, the gentle smile on her lips. There was something about her. Just by sitting there, by looking me directly in the eyes, I felt that time and logic stopped, that my complete rational being just blended with my surrounding, with our surrounding. Our souls merged – compassion made my heart go wild. No distractions. No denial. Just two human beings feeling each others pain, and healing it just by being there. It was magical. I saw myself in her and it changed everything.
And so she stopped searching and craving for love, but instead became love herself.
She became the berry in your glass of water and the mint in your cocktail. She decided to melt the ice herself instead of waiting for someone to melt it for her. And after that break of transformation the sun had continued to shine for her, but this time from within.
So I sat down with her,
Feeling her terrible pain immediately,
I didn’t have to look into her eyes to know that she had seen the worst,
Not necessarily out there in the world,
But within her own self.
The mind can torture us more than we may be able to imagine.
It’s not a choice, it just happens.
But we can fight it.
We can end our own horror by opening ourselves up,
By sharing our deepest secrets and
Letting others in.
Yes, we will be vulnerable,
But also will we be free.
I started talking to her after a few minutes of silence.
She had been uncomfortable but it was part of the process.
We had a long way to go and I knew,
I felt it in her presence,
That she was strong and would be able to withstand the winds and storms
That were trying to bring her down.
She knew these storms were made up,
But also had she developed such a strong imagination,
That they had seemed more real than me sitting in front of her,
Alive and breathing,
in flesh and blood.
She knew why she was here.
It had been her decision.
And she was ready to fight
She was ready to kill the demons that prevented her from living.
And then she had made a decision,
just for herself,
not trying to please anyone,
not trying to impress,
just being her true self this time.
It had been easy,
It had felt right.
And for the first time
she felt overwhelmingly great,
greater than ever before,
ready to fly,
to take off,
to finally make her life as unique
as she has always been.
And she would never look back.